wonder what, wonder if

As some of you may know, the past several weeks have been kind of crazy to say the least for Liesl and I. While enjoying a pleasant dinner with the kids and Liesl one night, a few weeks back, Liesl simply says, "By the way, I'm late." She wasn't late for a meeting or anything. Her time of the month was late. She took a home pregnancy test the following day. While I'm sitting in a meeting at church that evening, she calls me hysterical. I knew right away. She was pregnant. We were both so scared. Really, really scared. Over the next few days in chatting through this whole pregnancy thing with God, I started to feel some peace about it. If God really wants me to have another child, He will prepare me. He has already made me into a better man and a better dad through my marriage and with my kids. I can do this again. He has made me capable. It was also something that I grew to experience more joy through. This is a precious life! I was surprised after the birth of each of my children so far, that God increased the amount of love I had to share with them. He would certainly do it again. Yet, I was still scared. A few short weeks later, the baby miscarried... How could we go from one to the other so quickly? My fear turned to sadness. Great, intense sadness. Which is where I am today. So here I sit, wonder what he/she would have been like, wondering if there was anything I did, or didn't do. Even through my life goes on, it feels different. Just a little lonelier, like I am missing someone who would be here. Like I was meant to give someone part of me, that I am no longer needing to give, but I still want to.